Tongue-in-check
O FF WITH HIS HEAD” screamed Jay-ass. The courtiers looked stunned. They were wondering whose head was going to roll this time. “See what they have dared to print about me, they will have to pay!” The courtiers heaved a collective sigh of relief. None of them were in trouble. It was some newspaper. They wondered who it was this time. They had lost count of the number of defamation cases filed. They had lost count of the number of people in dungeons for having angered the Queen. Some of them mused how easy it was to anger her. They were all living dangerously. However the thought of all the money they were making was soothing, and there was the added consolation that the ordinary people were really having a terrible time. Food was expensive. Water was hard to get. The roads were in bad shape. People were being assaulted mysteriously. Better live dangerously than not at all…
“Did any of you read it?” she asked. No one knew what she was talking about. “Yes, your majesty”, they said in unison. “I want them all”, she continued. No one must escape”. The chief courtier looked worried. He was wondering how he was going to put all the newspeople into jail. There were thousands of them. “The whole family”, she continued. The chief courtier breathed easier. There were only a few families in the newspaper business. The simplest thing would be to put them all away. The queen would be pleased. She did not like any of them any way.
The court astrologer looked smug. He was wondering what advice he should give. He had seen a nice bit of property. There must be a way to grab it. What did the people want all these colleges for. The students only made trouble. Any way, he had support from the Empire too. The Central Minister for education, M. M. Jyotishi was a great supporter of astrology. It was the only subject he liked. He wondered if he should tell her that the whole of the area from the sea up to 5kms inland was inauspicious and all the buildings should be removed. That would take care of the newspaper too. He licked his lips in anticipation. Suddenly he felt a chill. The Queen was well-known for her capricious ways. One could fall out of favour very soon and very suddenly. However, she was superstitious and paranoid. He only had to play on her fears. So far it had worked very well. He had nothing to fear from the so-called rebel forces either, he reflected. They had stopped rebelling years ago. Their latest leader, Staylong, was more interested in his hair style than in perhaps anything else except money. If he made any trouble he could always be bought off quietly. The last time he had watched the rebel TV channel, it was full of pornography. The state was just perfect, he thought. On the one side superstition. On the other pornography. And on both he made money. Paradise! The only flies in the ointment were these new rebel groups. And occasionally the newspapers. Well, one could always depend on the Queen to assault both.
The Empire was just right too. They were encouraging the same thing all over. Why, right in the capital city, one could practically grab any woman one chose. And all those deals where millions could be made. The Empire had really perfected the art. They had all these smooth operators as ministers – there was Arun Show-off who was always on TV pontificating, while quietly looting the people of all they had. Then there was Arun Greasely who was an expert at explaining to the people why the latest law curbing their rights was actually in their interest. Maybe I should move to the capital, he mused. On the other hand, there was a lot of competition over there. Better to stay here where he had the Queen practically eating out of his hand.
Suddenly there was a shout, “the Queen is coming!” Everybody fell flat on the ground. Only the astrologer remained standing. He waddled up to the queen. “Your Majesty”, he said “I have just found out what the stars say about your chances of ruling forever. The signs are auspicious. There is only one small problem.
"The Queen beamed. “That is good news,” she said. “What is the problem?”
“We have to get rid of the elections.”